The Dear Diary Blogs

Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.1

Today I went to my best friend’s house for her 15th birthday party. She’s lucky that I love her because I wouldn’t be caught dead at a party like hers otherwise! It was just her, her mother, her father, her brother-whom I love- and our friend Jasmine. There was no music so I don’t even know why they would bother to call it a party.  But she seemed to be happy so I guess it wasn’t so bad.
LeeAnna is used to that kind of stuff anyway so I guess it doesn’t faze her. She’s never been to a real party in her life. She probably wouldn’t even know what to do at party. She may be the cleanest girl I know. I swear if I touch her she’ll probably squeak!
But I really do love LeeAnna. She may be a square but she’s trustworthy and I don’t have any other trustworthy friends. All of my other friends have been jealous of me so at some point we always end up clashing. I’ll still keep them as friends though. You know what they say; keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer.
In a way, I wish that I were more like LeeAnna. At least her life is solid. There’s no shaking the love that her family has for each other.  I’ve never known anything like it but I can still recognize it when I see it. She has a mother that she can talk to and a father who grant it is mean to her but I’m sure that it’s just because he cares so much.
My life is the total opposite. I don’t know my father, nor do I ever want to. And my mother is probably my worst enemy. She makes my life a living hell. She hates me and she doesn’t try to mask it. LeeAnna complains about her sheltered existence but if she only knew that what she was missing isn’t worth it anyway; except of course the music thing. That’s pushing it! She should be able to listen to whatever kind of music that she wants. I really don’t see the point in keeping her away from music.
I love music and I love to dance. When I get on the dance floor, all eyes are on me! I get lost in the music and everyone, even my dance partner, disappears and it’s just me and the beats. My body moves like a smooth liquid and every movement feels effortless as my body seems to have a life of its own. I mean, sometimes I think that my body and the music become one and my mind just stands in awe of the beauty that they create. Next to fashion, dancing is my greatest passion.
It is one o’clock in the morning and my mother is not even home yet. You would think that she’s eighteen years old the way she goes out like she has no responsibility. I’m sure that she’s out with Mr. Baldylocks. Mr. Baldylocks is my mother’s john. She resents my calling him that but it’s the truth. She doesn’t love him. She just uses him for his money while my stepfather is on the road with his band. The suckey thing about it is he’s my stepfather’s agent which is probably why my stepfather is on the road more than six months out of the year. My poor stepfather. He doesn’t even have a clue!
Well I’m done waiting for her to come home. I’m tired and I need my beauty rest. Tomorrow I’ll go to the mall with LeeAnna and help her pick out a new wardrobe for our junior year in high school. She really does need my help. She can be really Plain Jane.
I woke up this morning to hear my mother and my sister yelling at each other. Actually, my sister was doing all of the yelling while my mother passively pleaded with her. I know that she’s my sister but I cannot stand that little girl. She’s snotty and evil and her face is just as ugly as her attitude! I don’t remember there ever being a time that I got along with Brenda. She’s three years younger than I am and my mother doesn’t even make her listen to me. Of course that makes sense since Brenda doesn’t even listen to my mother.
I have a thirteen year old brother named Kenny who my mother doesn’t make listen to me either. But thank goodness my brother isn’t as bad as Brenda. For the most part, the only real problem that I have with Kenny is that he’s a real slob. I’m always picking up behind him and I hate that. I’m always picking up behind Brenda and my mother too. They are the sloppiest people in the world to live with and I hate living in a mess. It makes my eye twitch.
“Brianna,” My mother said coming into my room without knocking. “I’m gonna need you to look after your sister today. I’ve got an appointment.”
“But ma,” I whined. “I’m going to the mall to go school shopping.”
“So take your sister with you.”
“Why can’t she just stay here with Kenny?”
“Your brother has plans today.”
I gave her a blank stare.
“Then why can’t she just stay here by herself? She’s twelve!”
“Anything can happen to her while she’s here by herself. Do you want somebody to break in here and hurt your sister?”
I paused to think about that for a minute and then stopped myself when I felt a smile coming on.
“Ma, by the time I was ten, I was babysitting both my brother and my sister by myself while you were out sleeping around on Chucky! Were you ever worried about me?”
“Brianna, I never worry about you. You have Satan’s blood. I’d be more worried about the one who tried to get at you.”
Why did she always bring that up? Why did she always have to say things like that to me? I don’t need to be reminded of where I come from.
“Now take your sister to the mall and here.” She said handing me some money. “Buy her a couple of outfits for the first day of school.”
“Is some of this for me?”
I knew the answer before she even opened her mouth.
“Brianna, you worked all summer so you have your own money.”
“Is that your excuse this year? What about the years that I didn’t work and you’d buy Kenny and Brenda brand new clothes and I had to go to school in my cousins’ hand me downs?”
“Brianna, I don’t have time to listen to your temper tantrum today. You just ought to get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that I kept you at all because you could’ve ended up at the bottom of a garbage pail in the free clinic!”
With that, my mother turned around and walked out of my room. I stood wondering why I so often brought her to that point. I always knew what the outcome would be. She never disappointed me; I’ll give her that. She always went right for the jugular with me and she never seemed to battle with regret afterward. In fact, she seemed to be itching to have a reason to bring it up and unfortunately, I’m usually the one to give her the reason.
I called up this guy Bobby that I know. Bobby isn’t much to look at but he always makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and sometimes after dealing with my mother, that’s exactly what I need. Bobby also has a sister whose Brenda’s age. Bobby’s sister is one of the few people that Brenda actually gets along with, so usually  go outside while Bobby and I stay in my room with the door closed.
Bobby may not be my type physically, but he’s really good at doing it. Maybe because I can easily tell him what I want and he’s very eager to do whatever I ask. When I called his house, Bobby’s mother answered the phone. She doesn’t like me very much. Something about me using her baby, but she gave Bobby the phone anyway.
“Hi Bobby. It’s me.” I said in my sweet baby girl voice.
“Hi Brianna.” Bobby said sounding so unworthy. “How you doin’?”
“Fine. Whatcha doin’ today?”
“I was just gonna go to the mall and hang out. You wanna come with me? He asked eagerly.
Bobby is too anxious to get me out in public with him but I always tell him, no haps man! I can’t be seen in public with somebody like him. He’ll ruin my rep!
“Uhhh…Why don’t you come over here? I wanna show you something in my room.
“Okay!” Bobby said quickly. “I can be there in a half.”
“Don’t forget to bring your sister.” I said managed to say before he could hang up.
Bobby may be anxious to show me off but he never turns down that kind of invitation from me.
I called up LeeAnna to tell her that I wasn’t going to be able to go to the mall today. The last thing I want to do is go anywhere with Brenda in tow. When Lee picked up, I tried to explain that I couldn’t go to the mall today but she didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t tell her about Bobby. Nobody but my immediate family knows about him and they don’t even know the half of it! By the time Lee was done with me, I’d changed my mind and decided to go to the mall with her. She’s so slick. She used her secret weapon to get me out; Jason!
I am so in love with Jason, it’s not even funny. He’s the only guy whose head I’ve never been able to turn. Most of them turn sooner or later but Jason…he’s special. LeeAnna thinks that I want her brother because he’s a challenge for me but it’s so much more than that. He’s the kind of guy who I know that if I ever got him, he would respect me and even if another prettier face came along, it wouldn’t matter to him. He’s the kind of guy that if he loves you, it’s only you and that’s why I love Jason.
Anyway, I called Bobby back and told him that he couldn’t come over. He started to whine on the phone about how I only use him when I have nothing else better to do. I quickly hung up on him. I didn’t feel like hearing him whine. Besides, he was actually right.
So I got to the mall at about twelve to meet LeeAnna. I was disgusted to see that after all of that urging to get me here, she herself wasn’t even here! She had a lot of nerve. I could’ve been at home doing better things…
Instead, I was hanging out in the mall with my jerk of a little sister. I did manage to purchase some outfits for her, but I waited on getting any clothes for myself since LeeAnna insisted that we shop together.
When she finally did show her face, it was already going on two o’clock! I was just so glad to see her, I forgot all about wanting to slap her in the face. That girl has no idea how much it picks me up just to be around her. I’m not lezzing out or anything; it’s just that she’s probably the only real friend that I have in the world.
I wanted to make my friend happy and watch her face light up so I told her about Mickey Butters being in the mall. She was so excited! Although, I don’t really know what she sees in that character. She’s not even his speed. But if that’s what my best friend wants, I want to try and get it for her. But if he ever hurts her, he’ll have me to deal with!
We went looking for Mickey and when we finally found him and his friends, it just so happened that Bobby was with them today. Bobby is one of Mickey’s homiez but according to Bobby, nobody knows about us. I swore him to secrecy so they’d better not know! While LeeAnna was having her little conversation with Mickey, Bobby was shooting me pitiful looks from where he was standing. I wanted to motion for him to cool it or else somebody might figure something out. Instead I just ignored him like I’d never seen him before.
LeeAnna and I ended up having a good day at the mall. I always have a good time with her. She’s not fake or put on. She’s just exactly what you see. I like that. I guess if I’d grown up in a nice family like hers, I’d probably be well rounded too. But no, God must have been trying to make the angels laugh when he stuck me with my family. Well God, if you’re listening…It’s not funny!!!

Lisa’s Rantings Pt.1

Today my mom and I went to the mall. It’s kind of a ritual for us. We go shopping every two weeks because my mother gets paid bi-weekly. I think that if my mom got paid every week, we’d probably be shopping every week! That’s the one thing me and my mother definitely have in common; we both love to shop! Unfortunately, that’s probably the only thing that we have in common…
There were a lot of kids from my school at the mall today. No doubt they were shopping for the new school year. I got a head start on my school shopping since I don’t need a special occasion to shop. Besides, I like to be the first person to wear something rather than buying it because I see ten other girls rockin it. Sometimes my mother and I will drive into New York or to this mall in Philly to shop. I love that because I’ll wear something that nobody else around here has ever even seen!
I love fashion! I think it’s in my blood. And I’m not just superficial about it either. I mean, I walk down the street dressing people in my mind! I see a poor soul who maybe has some good pieces but doesn’t put it together correctly, right there on the spot, I can hook it up in my head and visualize the right piece to go with the pants or a better way to wear the shirt. I sometimes have to physically bite my tongue to keep myself from explaining this to the person.
I spotted two girls from my school shopping together. They’re best friends. One of them is cool. Her name is LeeAnna and she also goes to my church. The other one is stuck up and I don’t really like her. We’ve had issues since the beginning of the school year. My mother called out LeeAnna’s name and waved to her. LeeAnna smiled and waved at us as she always does. Her friend copped a stupid attitude with LeeAnna for waving at us.
I wondered for a minute if they were more than just friends. Nah! LeeAnna’s parents are really strict and won’t even let her date so I’m sure that she’d probably be too scared to roll that way. But then again, I’ve seen stranger things happen than that so nothing much shocks me anymore…
“Ma, we should’ve gone to the mall in Philly today.” I said.
“We don’t have that kind of time today, Lisa.” My mom said as she checked out some shoes. “Brian’s coming over later today.”
“Brian?” I asked disgusted. “Why? I thought that you were done with him!”
“I know you’d better watch your tone young lady!” My mom said looking up. “Besides, when am I ever really over with Brian? He’s my soul mate.”
“He’s more than twelve years younger than you, mom!”
I think that I said that a little louder than I should have. My mom gave me one of those cutting glass looks.
“And your point is?” She asked.
“It’s embarrassing!”
“Lisa, you seem to forget that I am a grown woman and if it pleases me to date a man half my age, I’m gonna do just that!”
I dropped my clothes on the floor and huffed out of the store. If there’s one thing that ruins my appetite for shopping, it’s arguing with my mother about men! I could hear my mother calling after me to pick up the clothes but I kept on walking. I knew that I was going to pay for it when I got home but at that moment I couldn’t even care! I just needed to get as far away from my mother as possible!
I jumped on a train and went into New York City. I just looked around and tried to clear my head. I couldn’t understand how my mother could be so foolish. It’s not like we’re talking about a dumb lady here either. She’s smart and strong! This is a lady who earned herself a scholarship to Howard University and a year before she graduated became pregnant with me. However, she didn’t allow herself to drop out of school. She still pushed her way through and ended up graduating with honors and getting her degree in journalism. She now works for a major television network in New York. How in the world does a woman like that make such dumb choices when it comes to men?
And my own father was the biggest jerk of them all! 
They met at Howard and he was on the football team. He was a starting center and from what she said, he was talking marriage from the time they started dating. She said that he knew that she was a virgin and was saving herself for marriage as did every other guy that tried their luck with her.
My mother was a born again Christian from the time she was thirteen and by the time she’d hit college, she’d never even had a boyfriend yet. Besides, my mother was very focused on her studies. But she took one look at my father and she said that was it. She said that she just knew that he was the one. 
He put the pressure on her early on to sleep with him even though he was masquerading himself as a born again Christian also.
My mother held out for a long time. He began threatening her that there were a lot of girls on campus willing to give him what he wanted and that he didn’t know how long he could wait. My mother knew that this was true because girls were always throwing themselves at him right in the front of her. 
Fear of losing him finally won out and she slept with him. She deeply regretted it after just the first time and she told him that it would be the last time they would be together. He didn’t care because he’d gotten what he wanted and he dumped her in the same conversation. It wasn’t until weeks later that my mother found out that it only took one time to conceive a child.
He of course denied ever touching her and my mother was too devastated from the break-up to push the issue. My mother gave birth to me two weeks before he got a contract to play pro-ball. Some of her close friends tried to convince her to go after him for child support but she refused. She finished college with a baby in her arms and no help from anybody. 
I keep the fact that my dad is famous a secret from all of my friends, or should I say, people that I know? I really don’t have any friends. Not real friends anyway. But the truth is, I don’t want to deal with the drama of people wanting to be my friend just because my dad is famous. My friends are phony enough without knowing the truth. Besides, it’s not like they’d get to meet him anyway since I’ve never once laid eyes on the bum.
He’s made it clear that he wants nothing to do with my mother or me because he feels that my mother tried to use him. The jerk! 

At one time, not long after my mother joined a church again and committed herself back to God, she tried to look him up in an effort to let him get to know me. She said that she needed to put her personal feelings for him aside and do what was best for me.
He sent us an autographed jersey and a letter that basically told my mother, thanks but no thanks. 
I was crushed. I was about nine years old at the time and I was excited about finally getting the opportunity to meet my father. I had a cute little fantasy in my mind about how it would turn out. How he’d see me and kick himself for rejecting me all of those years.
Needless to say, I don’t allow myself to believe in fantasies anymore. I don’t allow myself to believe in much of anything anymore. I refuse to let anybody disappoint me again so people are usually guilty until proven innocent in my book. I know that it’s a sucky way to live but at least I stay safe that way. 
I only wish that I could get my mother to see things my way. She’s so trusting of men that it’s sickening. That’s a trait of hers that I promised myself I would never adopt.
The young dude that she’s going to see today has cheated on her countless times. She’s nothing but a consolation prize for him. When all else fails, I’ll just run back to Denise since she’s always ready willing and available. And what happens to all of those vows that she’s made to God when she starts seeing a man? They’re out of the window. 
Anybody that’s even halfway observant in our church should be able to tell when my mother is dating somebody. We get to church a little late and leave just a tad early. When we do get there, we get back seats and she puts her head down through much of the sermon. I get so annoyed with her because if she feels that guilty about what she’s doing, I can’t understand why she doesn’t just stop!
I figured that I might as well make my way home since it was starting to get late. Besides, I had to face the music sooner or later. I’d probably be punished for six months for humiliating her in public.
I walked into the house and my mother was laid across the sofa watching television.
“Hey.” I said with my head down and flinching on the inside.
My mom is pretty nice with her hands and I was anticipating a good slap right about now.
“Hey.” My mom said. 
I got a closer look at her and I could see that my mother had been crying.
“Ma? Are you okay? What happened?”
It was that dude and I knew it!
“I’m fine baby.”
“Mom, you’re crying! What’s wrong?” I demanded.
My mother took a deep sigh.
“I just broke up with Brian.” She said.
“Okay?” I said slowly as I wondered why we weren’t dancing with glee.
“He came here with another woman’s perfume on him and I just decided that I didn’t want to do it anymore. I’m tired!”
“Oh mom! I’m so happy for you!” I said plopping on the sofa next to her and hugging her neck.
My mother chuckled a little bit but I could see in her face that I could’ve chosen a better reaction for her break-up. It was obviously hurting her.
“I just want you to be happy, ma.”
“I know sweetie, but you need to understand that your mother is a big girl and I can take care of myself.”
Yeah, okay!
I get lonely sometimes Lisa and sometimes I make desperate decisions out of that. But I’m done with that. I’ve decided to rededicate myself to God and I’m no longer going to date. I’m just too old for this game now.”
I looked at my mom with pride but I couldn’t help but wonder how long this would last.
“And mom, I’m really sorry about throwing down my clothes and leaving the store the way that I did. I was just pissed.”
“I know, and I understand. That’s why after you left, I picked up your clothes and decided to purchase them anyway.”
“Really?!” I lit up.
“Uhhh…No! And if you ever pull some mess like that again, I’ll rip out your tongue and beat you with it!”
“Yes ma’am!”
Ova ‘n Out! 

  Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.2

I had to get out of my house today. My little sister was getting on my nerves. She and her best friend were at the house, in my room and just listening to their conversation was driving me crazy! I tried to escape into the kitchen to make myself a snack but they spilled themselves into the living room and I could hear every annoying word coming out of their mouth. I grabbed my purse and got out of there.
I don’t know why but even when I’m not arguing with Brenda, she’s gets on my nerves. I can’t stand my own sister! I swear, as soon as I can get out of that house, I’m gone! Eighteen cannot come soon enough for me. I’ve got two and a half years and I’m literally counting the days.
I was still hungry since my snack at home was interrupted so I went to a Spanish restaurant near the college campus. It’s like the big hang out for the college kids. The food is fantabulous but the service could use some work. The girls that work there are all pretty cute. It’s probably a ploy to get a lot of guys in. Honestly, they really don’t need any ploys. The food really is amazing!
 For some reason, some of the girls are so crappy to me every time I come in. and it’s definitely personal. I never see them treat anybody as badly as they treat me. They purposely overlook me when I’m trying to order. They always give me a sloppy plate and forget at least one thing that I order. They even sometimes over charge me. Sometimes I wonder to myself why I keep going back. But seriously, their food is just that good!
When I walked in today it was packed and there was a long line at the register. I went to the food line to wait my turn to be served. My eyes were drawn to the back of the restaurant where this guy was staring at me. Not for nothing but guys are always checking me out. However, this was different. He looked kind of intense. He was standing with a girl who seemed to be hanging onto him, laughing and giggling in his ear but he was staring at me with a look that made me want to button up my blouse or something. I felt like he was looking right through me. I guess I was lost in thought staring back at him because all of a sudden, I heard a nasty voice speaking to me.
“Excuse me, but if you’re not going to order, you need to get off my line!”
I jumped a little bit because she startled me.
“I’m sorry, but you don’t have to be so nasty!” I said since her tone made everyone around us look up.
“Look, are you gonna order or not?” demanded the rude girl.
I got ready to open my mouth to say something but suddenly, the guy that was staring at me was by my side.
“Hey Monica,” He said. “What’s going on, sweetie?”
“Hey Damon. How’re you doing baby?” The rude girl said in a totally different tone than she’d used for me.
“I’m good. Did you meet my cousin?” He said gesturing towards me.
“She’s your cousin?” The rude girl said, going back to her nasty voice.
“Can’t you see the family resemblance?” He asked.
Actually, I guess we did sort of resemble. I mean, we had the same skin complexion and both of us had blondish curly hair, although his had more of a rough and uncombed look to it.
“I guess. I mean a little.” The girl said. Then turning to me in accusation. “You come in here all the time. How come you never said that your family owned this place?”
“Well…because it was supposed to be a secret.” I said trying to think on my feet. Truthfully, I was totally confused!
“A secret for what?” The girl said with her hand on her hip.
“Because…” I looked up at the helpful stranger for more help.
“She was here to observe the behavior of the employees with the patrons.”
“That’s right. I am!” I said thinking that he’d just said the perfect thing!
“So yeah, uhhh…cuz, did you have anything you needed to report today?” The stranger asked me.
The rude girl was looking at me with so much fear in her eyes; I thought that she might cry.
“Nah, not today.” I said with a slight smile on my face. “But I’ll keep coming back to make sure that everything’s straight.” I turned back to the rude girl. “Monica, is it?”
The rude girl smiled nervously but gratefully back at me.
After placing my order and getting the best service that I’d ever received in that place, I took my food to go and started out of the restaurant. My head was still reeling over the entire incident, especially since my knight in shining armor disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. I guess he went back to his girlfriend. I wondered why he’d made it his business to save me from Monica.
“How come I’ve never seen you around here before?” A voice whispered from behind me when I stepped out of the restaurant.
I turned around to come face to face with my knight.
“Maybe you just never noticed me.” I said feeling a little bit tingly. This guy wasn’t even my normal type of guy but he had an intense edge that left me curious.
“I’m sure I would’ve noticed you if I’d seen you. What’s your name?”
“Pretty name for a pretty lady.”
I liked the way he called me a lady. This was getting exciting. He must’ve assumed that I was like a college student!
“Thank you.” I said trying to stifle a giggle. I was once told that young girls giggle a lot and I didn’t want to be mistaken for a young girl, even though I was!
“When can I see you again, Brianna?”
So not like the high-school boys that I met all of the time. He knew what he wanted and he just went for it.
“I don’t know. When do you want to see me again?” I said flirting with my eyes although, this guy made me a little bit nervous; but in a good way…
“Tomorrow. Meet me right here tomorrow at four fifteen. Is that cool for you?”
“Uh…yeah. That’s cool for me.” I said quickly. I felt like he was running and I was trying to keep up with him.
He started to walk away but I wanted to talk to him some more. At the same time, I didn’t want to seem needy so I helplessly watched him walk away.
As I walked home with the aroma of my Spanish food in filling my nostrils, I thought about the mysterious stranger that I’d met. He seemed nice but I could also tell that he was a challenge. It was probably because of his age. I’m sure that he’s at least nineteen or twenty. The guys that I normally talked to were always all over me and begging to do whatever I wanted them to do. This guy was different. He was cool and indifferent. I’m going to have to work hard to keep this one.
What the heck was I talking about? Brianna doesn’t work hard for any guy! I always get my way with guys and if this guy doesn’t like it, then he can just walk! But man, I hope that he likes it!
As I put the key in the door of my building, I heard a familiar voice call my name.
I sucked my teeth and turned around to see Bobby waving me down from across the street. This boy was getting way too bold with me! He’d pinned me up against a wall at school yesterday, demanding that I tell him where he stood with me. As he continued to talk, I realized that his lack of fear came from whatever he’d been drinking. I’d pushed him off of me and screamed on him. I’m still pissed about that!
“Hey Brianna.” Bobby came up the stairs of my building all out of breath.
“What do you want Bobby?”
“Where you been?”
“You know, you have a lot of nerve coming to my house uninvited. Especially after what you did to me yesterday!”
“Yeah, that’s why I’m here. I wanted to apologize to you for that.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, Bobby.”
“I don’t?”
“No. Just stay out of my face! I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“Oh, it’s like that now?”
“That’s exactly how it is! You showed me your punk side and you don’t need to travel in my area ever again.”
“As a matter of fact, forget my name and forget that you ever knew me because I’ll be doing the same for you.”
Bobby looked at me with an unbelieving stare and then he slowly backed down from my stoop and walked away without turning around. For a hot minute, I felt kind of bad for him. Then I reminded myself that he needed to learn his lesson! Brianna Lewis belonged to nobody! Besides, if I were going to belong to anybody, it surely wouldn’t be Bobby! He was cool and all, but he was waaaay too needy and dating him openly would ruin my rep. Every ugly dude in the school would think they had a chance with me if I went out with Bobby.
I went to meet my knight the next day promptly at four twenty. He’d told me to meet him at four fifteen but I figured that I’d let him wait a couple of minutes. I needed to see how much control I’d have here. 
When I got to the outside of the restaurant, I spotted Damon going into the restaurant with his arm around another girl’s waist. I stopped dead in my tracks. He turned and spotted me as he held the door for his girlfriend. He gave me sorrowful eyes and then pointed at his watch, shrugged his shoulders and continued his stride into the restaurant.
I felt like garbage. I just got played and it was not a good feeling at all. I felt so stupid! Why would he do that? He couldn’t wait just five minutes? How rude of him! What if I were in an accident? What if traffic had held me up; like I had to wait five minutes for the light to change before I crossed the street? What if I’d been robbed? Would he have just held that against me?
I started to go into the restaurant and tell him about himself. I swung the door open but when I spotted him looking right at me, I lost my nerve and walked back out of the place. I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to go home and get into my bed.
When I got home, I made a beeline for my room. Thankfully Brenda wasn’t home so I was able to have some peace and quiet while I cried my guts out. Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I didn’t even know this guy. What the heck was I so emotional about? He had played me like a fool. No guy has ever treated me so cold. I was usually the one in control!
Well that was it! I’d had it! I was not going to let anybody get away with treating me like last year’s fashion! He could kiss his chance with me goodbye!
I sat on my bed, wiped my tears and sighed deeply. This would be a good time to call Bobby and ask him to come over. He always takes my mind off things. I felt the need to be worshiped by someone. I went into the living room and grabbed the phone.
“Hello.” I heard Bobby’s mother say into the phone.
“Uh…hi. Can I please speak to Bobby?” I said nervously, knowing that his mother can’t stand me.
“He’s not here.” She said rudely.
Dial tone!
I was stunned. She’d hung up the phone on me! I mean, I knew that she didn’t like me but that wasn’t an excuse to be rude, was it?
I decided to call my best friend, LeeAnna. Talking with her always made me feel better. I dialed her number but nobody picked up her phone. I went back into my room and slammed across my bed.
This was getting annoying! Was there nobody that could be there for me? I needed somebody—anybody!
“Brianna! Did you eat my piece of cake that was in the refrigerator?” Brenda came barging into our room saying.
Anybody else???
I went back outside because I knew that if I stayed in the house with the way that I was feeling, Brenda and I would truly get into an argument. Besides, I needed the air anyway. I walked and walked until I was almost dizzy!
“Jesus loves you!” A lady said to me, shoving a pamphlet in my face.
“Okay.” I said.
I never really knew what to say to religious people.
She was still shoving the pamphlet at me wanting desperately for me to take it. I grabbed the paper and looked down at it. “Where will YOU spend eternity?” it read.
I attempted to look enthusiastic about getting the pamphlet as I stuffed it into my pocket because I knew that religious people wanted you to be as excited about their Jesus as they were. I’ve just never felt that way about Him. I mean, I guess it works for some people, but I really just don’t think that I’m one of those people…
“Don’t you know who Jesus is, child?” The lady said.
“Do you believe that He is real?” She asked smiling.
“Ummm…yeah.” I said, wishing that she would stop this line of questioning because I knew where it was leading.
“So then you’re a believer! Praise the Lord!”
I am???
I tried to smile in agreement with the lady because I knew that if she figured that I was a Christian, she’d leave me alone. I should’ve just stayed in the house with Brenda. At least in arguing or fighting with her, I would’ve been able to let off some steam!
“So, how long have you been a believer?” She asked.
I sooooo didn’t want to do this today. I didn’t want to lie to a religious lady! It’s not like I need to invite more trouble into my life! I have enough already!
“I’m not really a believer like you think.” I confessed.
“But you believe that He’s real, right?”
“Yeah, but…”
“And you believe that He died on a cross, right?”
“Well, yeah…”
“And you believe that He died to cleanse us from our sins.”
“Well…kind of.”
“What do you mean, kind of?”
“I mean, I’m just not sure that…I don’t know…”
“Sweetie, He died for you!”
“But nothing.” She said putting her hand on mine. “He died for you. You cannot out-sin God’s ability to forgive you. He died for YOU!”
“How do you know?” I asked as involuntary tears threatened to fall from my eyes.
I wanted to scream, “But what about people who were conceived by way of rape? Can it really work for me?”
“Because once upon a time, I was a prostitute hooked on heroin. He cleaned me up and made me brand new.”
I looked at this lady who looked like she could’ve been about eighty years old and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A prostitute? When and where?
“Of course that was many years ago, but He’s the same God yesterday, today and forever!”
“You sound so sure…”
“Honey, I’m not sure of many things but of this, I’m truly sure! He pulled me out of the pit and I haven’t been the same since. He can do the same thing for you!”
I suddenly became aware that my tears were starting to fall. I needed to get out of there fast before someone I knew saw me.
“I…I’ve got to go.” I said
“Don’t put it off, honey.” The woman called out to me as I rushed away from her. “Tomorrow isn’t promised.”
I walked away faster wanting desperately to get home. I wiped the tears from my face with my sleeve hoping that there would be no trace of tears.
What if He really did love me? I thought. What if His love really could rescue me from all of my pain? My mother always told me that I have the devil’s blood running through my veins. What if He could change that? What if I could be pure and clean like that lady said or like my best friend’s mother has told me so many times? It just sounds so—so impossible! What if I try and just get rejected again? I don’t think I could take it!
I dug into my pocket to get the pamphlet I got from that lady.
“Hey stranger.” A familiar voice said coming up behind me. It was the guy from the Spanish restaurant.
“Damon.”  I said turning around surprised. “Wha…what are you doing here?” I asked.
“I live over here. Well, my parents live over here. What are you doing over here?”
“I’m on my way home.”
“You live around here?”
“No. I was just out getting some air.” I paused for a minute. “So where’s your girlfriend?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend.” He said looking at me all intense.
Awkward pause.
“Are you looking for a girlfriend?” I asked, not even sure why I’d ask him that.
I think that this guy got off on humiliating me. I was not about to stand here and let him continue. I decided to cut my losses and…
“Unless you want to audition.” He said before I could walk away.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“I…no…I mean yes…I mean…”
“Make a decision.”
“I don’t even know you.” I said.
“But I know you and I want you to be mine.”
My knees were suddenly weak.
“Okay.” I said as if in a trance.
He grabbed me and started to kiss me right in the middle of the sidewalk. I have never felt so connected to somebody in my entire life. It was incredibly intense!
“So, Brianna.” He said pulling away breathlessly. “Welcome to my world.”
Jesus was going to have to wait!

Lisa’s Rantings Pt.2

I woke up feeling crabby this morning. I don’t know why I get like this at times but I was just not in the mood for anything today! My mother came in my room to wake me up as she does every morning and I was so annoyed with her. She kind of giggled back at me when I scowled at her which only served to piss me off even further!
It was slow goings for me as I got ready for school. But just as I got a look at myself in the mirror and became really impressed with the outfit that I’d picked out for the day, my mother passed by my room and told me to take her jacket off and put it back in her room.
“But ma!” I said. “You have plenty of clothes! Why can’t I wear it?”
“Because Lisa,” My mom said calmly as she put on her pumps. “Every time you take something out of my closet, I have to come back to your closet to get it back!”
“And I’m tired of that! If you’re going to borrow my stuff, you need to learn to put it back!”
“You act like you have to walk across the street and up the block to get to my closet! Our rooms are right next to each other! What’s wrong with you getting it from my closet?”
“Lisa, in life when you borrow something, you can’t just wait for somebody to come and collect what you owe! You know that you owe. Give it back!”
I rolled my eyes in the air. She was on this again!
“Ma, I have to be in school in about ten minutes. Can’t you teach me a life lesson on a Saturday?”
“Sure I can. But today, you are going to put my jacket back in my closet where you got it.”
I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of arguing with her over her stupid jacket! She acted like I needed her clothes or something. I stuck her jacket back in her closet and picked something out of my closet. It didn’t look nearly as good and now I had to change my pants but whatever!
My mother stuck her head in my room before she walked out.
“I’ll see you later, honey.”
I purposely acted like I didn’t hear her.
“And Lisa, check your attitude at the door!” She said. “You’re lucky that I didn’t make you dry clean the jacket first!”
My mood went from funky to lousy by the time I got to school. I didn’t want to be bothered and this would of course be the day that I’d run into my ex-boyfriend, Kevin. He was still bitter about our break-up and every time I see him these days, he’d go out of his way to try to make me feel like crap. He really has no clue who he’s dealing with. I’ve never been one to let a guy intimidate me and I’m not starting today!
“Hey Lisa.” He said.
“Hey.” I said quickly, without giving him eye contact.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked.
“About what?” I asked suspiciously.
“So what; I can’t even be your friend now?”
“Quit it, Kevin! The other day you were trying to play me in front of your friends and all of a sudden, today you want to be my friend? Please!”
“Why you so hard all the time? All a brotha wanna do is get close to you! Is that so bad? I’m just keeping it real?”
“You had your chance to be close to me Kevin but you messed it up just like you mess everything up! It’s too late. That’s what’s real!”
“You know what’s real, Lisa? I ain’t your pops!”
With that Kevin walked away leaving me standing there with my mouth open. One day, at a weak moment, I broke down and told Kevin about my dad. I’m still kicking myself in the neck for that one! This is why I don’t like to be vulnerable with anyone! They eventually end up using what you say against you! I’m done with guys! At least for now…
At lunchtime today, I ate alone. Most of my former friends are former friends because they’d rather that Kevin and me remain a couple so they went out with the rest of the trash. I don’t need friends that are going to try to convince me to be with a loser. And I told them as much too! They’ve stopped trying to be my friend and I could really care less. Besides, it just goes to show who your real friends are anyway!
As I made my way back to my seat in solitude land after throwing away my lunch tray, I couldn’t help but notice my cousin Mickey man-handling a girl that I knew from church. Mickey is used to getting his way with girls; bubble-heads is what I like to call them. But this was no bubble-head. She was a nice girl. She didn’t seem impressed by his brawn or by the fact that he was grabbing her by her arm.
“Mickey, take your hand off of her!” I said making a scene.
People were looking but I didn’t care! I wasn’t doing anything wrong and he needed to be exposed for the dog that he is!
“Yo’ mind your business, Lisa.” He said losing a little of that base in his voice.
“I’m not going to mind my business when you’re standing here grabbing onto this girl like she’s your property! What’s wrong with you?”
Then I turned to look at the girl; LeeAnna was her name. She looked confused, like why is this girl trying to save me? The last thing I wanted her to think was that I just wanted a piece of the action! We have a lot of girls in our school like that but I wasn’t one of them.
“Don’t worry about it LeeAnna.” I said to the girl. “If he ever tries to man handle you again, you just let me know. His momma is my aunty!”
I took one more look at Mickey and rolled my eyes before I walked away. By the time I got back to my seat and turned in their direction, they had both gone their separate ways. Mickey knew what was up! He knows my mouth. I’m not having it!
I know the reason why Mickey is talking to that girl anyway is because his brother Chris likes her. One day Mickey walked in on a conversation that me and Chris were having about LeeAnna. Chris was saying that he thought she was cute but he was worried about her being young and her parents being really strict. I told Chris that he should just go for it. I told him that he should just try to be friends with her and let her parents get comfortable with him being in her life. Chris was almost sold on the idea until Mickey came over declaring that he bet the girl would give him play before she even looked at Chris. After that, Chris decided not to bother.
I don’t know why Mickey always feels the need to compete with Chris. Mickey can be such a jerk! That’s not always true. Mickey can be really cool but when it comes to him and Chris…I really don’t know what that’s about!
After school when I got home, I zoned out in front of the television. I must’ve been tired because I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until my mom came home at 7:00. She nudged my foot with her foot and I jumped up almost into the air.
“Girl, what is wrong with you?” My mom asked laughing at me.
“Oh!” I said, coming back to myself. For a minute there, I didn’t realize where I was.
“C’mon and get up. I brought home some Chinese food for dinner. I went to WooHop’s.”
I was still sitting on the sofa rubbing my head.
“Lisa, are you okay?” My mom asked. “You’re normally jumping for WooHop’s!” My mom said as she emptied the big bag of food on the table.
My mom always bought too much food. We’ll be eating Chinese for the next week.
“I’m okay ma.” I said getting up and walking over to the table. “I had a weird dream about my father.”
“Did you?”
“Yeah.” I said, still trying to gather my thoughts and piece together my dream. “You know, I’ve dreamed about him a few times recently.”
“You have?” My mom asked not looking at me but walking into the kitchen and pulling the iced tea out of the refrigerator.
“I keep dreaming that he’s looking for me.”
“Really? Hmph!” Was all my mother said.
We both sat at the table silently and began to pile our plates with food.
“So what if he is?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“What if he is, what?”
“Look, Lisa,” My mom said seriously and seemingly frustrated. “You’re probably just dreaming that because in your heart of hearts, it’s what you want but trust me, that man is not looking for you.”
“How do you know?”
“Just trust me on this one, okay?”
“Ma, how do you know?”
“Because I know your father.”
“But you haven’t seen him since before I was born. That’s over fifteen years ago!”
“And he hasn’t changed!”
“But how do you know? People can change.”
“Not that man! And what’s this all about anyway? I thought you said that you never wanted to lay eyes on him.”
“I know, but if he’s looking for me, maybe…”
“He’s not looking for you Lisa.”
“What makes you so sure mom? What do you know?”
“Lisa, you know that several years ago I looked your father up in an attempt to get a relationship started with you two.”
“Yeah, but that was several years ago.”
“And every year since then!”
“That’s right, Lisa.” My mom confessed with a big sigh. “Every year since then I’ve been sending him a letter with pictures of you pleading with him to get to know you.”
“You were doing that behind my back? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because after that first time, you were so disappointed…” Another big sigh. “I didn’t want to see you hurt like that again. I also realized then how much you needed your father in your life.”
“When was the last time you contacted him?”
My mother rolled her eyes, looking like she regretted opening her mouth.
“The last time ma?”
“A couple of weeks ago.”
“Did he tell you that he didn’t want anything to do with me?”
My mom rolled her eyes again but I didn’t care! She was going to give me answers today!
“Lisa, just trust me…”
“What did he say?”
“He didn’t respond.”
“He didn’t?”
“He never responds.”
I needed to digest all of this. I got up and walked over to the sofa. I put my head in my hands and now it was my turn to sigh deeply. My mom walked over to me and rubbed my head.
“I’m sorry baby.” She whispered. 
I was shaking my head. I wanted to be so angry with her but truthfully, she hadn’t really done anything wrong.
“It’s alright ma.” I said. “It is what it is.”
My mom looked at me with shock in her eyes.
“You know, Lisa, men are always going to disappoint you. Even your own daddy. But there’s one that will never disappoint.
Oh boy! Here we go! Once in a while my mom feels worthy to get up on her soap box and tell me that I need Jesus. It really gets on my nerves!
I looked at my mother with a Not today, mom! look, which only served to put more indignation in her voice.
“I know that you don’t want to hear this but you really would benefit to have a relationship with Jesus.”
I rolled my eyes and decided to be quiet through her rant. Maybe she’d think that I was listening and shut up faster.
“I want us to start reading the bible together again like we used to.”
I don’t know why but it was like I couldn’t surpress the deep sigh from coming out. My mother paused and looked at me with an attitude.
“Do you have something that you want to say to me, young lady?”
“No ma’am.” I said, opting out of an argument with my mom today.
“You sure because your body language says differently.”
“I just don’t understand why you feel the need to try to preach to me at certain times.”
“Lisa, you may not get this right now, but I’m giving you the best advice that you’ll ever get!”
“Really, mom?”
“What do you mean, really mom? What’s that supposed to mean, Lisa?”
“Nothing.” I said bored. I sooo did not want to say what I was thinking.
“No, you say what’s on your mind.”
I looked at my mom seriously. The only way that we’re going to be done with these conversations once and for all is if I just come out and tell her how I feel about her convenient relationship with God.
“It just seems to me that you may want to take your own advice, ma.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, where do you turn when everything seems to be crashing around you?”
“I always turn to God!”
“No, ma! You turn to men. That’s always been your thing. You turn to men and then you go to church behind it and think that makes you okay.”
My mother looked completely shocked.
“Is that what you think, Lisa?”
“It’s what I see, ma. I’ve never seen you handle things the way you tell me to handle them. You’re such a hypocrite!”
“I’m sorry but it’s true!
My mother was staring at me. I really didn’t mean to hurt her but this was a long time coming. Every time we go to church and I see her crying or to her feet standing calling out hallelujah when the preacher is speaking, I just want to snatch her back down and tell her to stop pretending!
“You know what little girl, you need to watch your mouth and stay out of my business. You have no clue!”
At that point the phone started to ring but my mother was still staring at me hard so I didn’t make a move to pick it up. It continued to ring and my mom continued to stare at me until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I got up and grabbed the phone.
“Hello.” I said into the phone while my mother stayed planted in the same spot. I walked over to my mother and handed her the phone. “It’s for you; it’s Brian.” I said.
My mom glared at me as I gave her an I told you so look. She took the phone out of my hand.
I went into my room and closed my door. I was done for the night. Brian would probably come over tonight and I didn’t want to be up to see him.
I lay across my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I’d just been rejected again by someone who has never even met me. That’s pretty harsh!
That was it forever this time! I would never again give that man another opportunity to reject me. In fact, nobody will ever have the power to reject me again! If I have to be alone for the rest of my life, then so be it! I refuse to be a pathetic phony like my mother letting men come in and out of my life as they pleased.
One day, I’m going to be very successful and I’ll look my birth father up, but not to request a relationship. I’ll look him up just to tell him that I did it without him! I’ll tell him that I didn’t need him. I’ll tell him that he lost out not knowing me and not the other way around. I’ll show him. And when I’m done with him, he’ll be begging to know me and it will be my turn to say, “Thanks, but no thanks!”
Ova ‘n Out!

 Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.3

I woke up this morning excited! I’m going to see Damon today and I just couldn’t contain myself! He is the most exciting guy that I’ve ever gone out with. I’m used to going with guys that just want to kiss and grope all over me. I’ve gotten so used to fighting guys off. I don’t know why they automatically think that they’re gonna get some just because I agree to come to their house. Give me a minute. Let’s get to know each other first.
But Damon is so different. He holds my hand when we walk the street. When I go to meet him, he has a flower for me. He gives me money to buy myself something nice. And with all of this, he never tries to get into my shirt! He’s the real thing and I think I’m falling in love.
Not to mention, he’s totally cute in a quirky and original way. His face would’ve never popped into my head as my dream guy, but I find myself staring into his face sometimes thinking, he’s got the most perfect face that I’ve ever seen!
We’ve already been seeing each other for a couple of months but I have yet to tell my best friend about him. For right now, I’d just rather keep my relationship with Damon a secret. I don’t really know why. It’s not like I’m ashamed of him or anything. I just feel like this is just about him and me for now. I don’t want any negative opinions being thrown at me and I know that my best friend won’t understand why I’m seeing a guy that’s seven years older than I am.
As I was getting ready this morning, my mother came into my room to bother me.
“Brianna, did you take my belt?” she asked.
“Then where is it?”
“How am I supposed to know?”
“Because I’m sure that you were the last one to have it.”
“I’m not allowed to borrow your stuff, remember?”
“Well that never stopped you before.”
“Ma, I took something of yours without asking only one time! I don’t mess with your stuff.”
“Brianna, you’d better find my belt.”
“But I don’t know where your belt is. Why don’t you ask your daughter where your belt is?” I said motioning toward Brenda who was pretend sleeping in her bed; at which point, Brenda popped her crooked head up.
“I don’t have her belt either.”
“Well, somebody has it!” My mother said. “Brianna, find my belt!”
“I don’t understand why I have to find it! I never wear your stuff!” I said getting really annoyed.
Any other day I would’ve just huffed and puffed but looked for it. But today, I was trying to get ready to go see Damon and this was going to make me late.
“Find the belt, Brianna.” My mother said.
“Haha!” Brenda said.
That was it! I wasn’t having any more of this. It wasn’t fair!
“You need to ask your daughter to find your belt because I have someplace to go!” I said knowing what I was inviting but I didn’t care because, well I was used to it.
“What do you mean ask your daughter?” Brenda asked. “What are you?”
“She’s my mistake.” My mother jumped right in.
Brenda enjoyed that. She laughed out loud. I was used to that too. I locked eyes with my mother and I actually felt hate for her. I hated her for not wanting me. I hated her for making me feel like I was nothing all of my life. I hated her for using me to make my sister and brother laugh. I truly hated her and I knew at that moment that I desperately needed to get away from her or she would end up killing me.
“Well, your mistake is walking out the door.” I said grabbing my purse and getting close enough to my mother to kiss her. “And you can just find your own belt.”
My mother looked nervous. I could tell that she didn’t know what I was going to do. I wanted to smile but I didn’t want her to think that I was joking so I stifled it. I brushed past my mother lightly and she just stood there.
I got out the door of my house and I felt powerful. I felt vindicated. Most of all, I felt justified. It served her right for whipping me all of my life with her tongue. I was sick of her abuse. I was sick of her. Things were going to be different from now on. I was not going to allow her to bully me around anymore. I’d had enough!
I went to Damon’s dorm room to meet him. He looked like he just woke up when he opened his door. But even half asleep, he still looked sexy. I was excited just being around him. His room was disgustingly messy but I was way too wrapped up in Damon to even let it bother me. He grabbed his toothbrush and a towel and he told me to wait.
I was a little bit disappointed. I didn’t want him to leave me. I felt desperate for him. I mean we’re talking literally a few minutes that he was going to be away and I felt an anxiety attack coming on. I knew that it probably wasn’t good to be so desperate for a guy but at the same time, I didn’t want to do anything to stop it. Maybe I was looking for trouble.
When Damon came back to his room, I was looking at the wall over his bed. It was filled with pictures of girls; scantily clad girls.
“So what’s with all of the girls on your wall?” I asked feeling a little bit jealous. “Is that what you like?”
“Of course it is.” Damon said in a flat tone as he put on deodorant. “I don’t hang up anything that I don’t like.”
Not the answer that I was looking for. I guess I was expecting and hoping that he would deny or at least attempt to deny it. I felt like I needed to do something to get his attention back. I walked over to him and I started to kiss him passionately as my mind screamed to me, What are you doing? This is so stupid! But it was too late. He was already into it. He pushed me back to his bed and laid me down. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do this with him yet but I was scared to turn him down. I didn’t know what to do.
Damon’s kiss and touch became rougher and I knew what that meant. It was about to happen and I felt powerless to stop it. I mean, it wasn’t like he was raping me or anything but I just felt like if I stopped him I’d lose him and I didn’t want to lose him. I just decided to stay in the moment and let it happen.
It was different. I thought that Bobby was good but Damon was really skilled. He knew exactly what to do to make me feel good and he took his time doing it. When it was all over, it proved to be an experience that I would never forget. I knew that I was in love with Damon before but now I felt like I was glued to him. I felt like I never wanted to be away from him. I felt like I couldn’t even remember who I was before I met him because now he was a part of me and he always would be.
I lay next to him and watched him sleep. I touched his brow as he snored lightly. He was the most beautiful thing that I’d ever seen. I let my finger trace his face as I wondered what our children would look like. I knew that I could eat sleep and drink Damon everyday and be completely satisfied. I wanted nothing else. Even my little girl crush on my best friend’s brother was nothing more than a distant memory.
Damon began to stir in his sleep, I wondered what he was dreaming about and then I had a scary thought. What if he was dreaming about another girl? The thought petrified me. It suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t really know if Damon was sleeping with other girls or not. I mostly tried to stay away from questions like that because I was always scared of what I might hear. Damon was very straight up with me and he would be just the type to tell me that he was seeing other girls and that I just needed to deal with it.
I was no dummy. I knew that most guys cheated. I knew because most guys cheated with me! I’d broken up many relationships just for kicks and giggles. It’s not cool, I know but it kind of made me feel powerful to do it. But now I stand to taste a dose of my own medicine and I was dreading it.
I got up slowly from the bed watching Damon closely. I tipped over to his dresser and picked up his phone. Dang! It was locked and I didn’t know the code. Why did he have to put a lock on his phone? That could only mean one thing. He must have something to hide.
I plopped down on the bed hoping to make him wake from his sleep. My wish came true!
“Wha…Brianna, what are you doing?”
“Nothing. I just need to ask you something.”
Damon sat up slightly looking up at me expectantly.
“Do you still see other girls?”
“I mean, I know you told me that I could be your girlfriend and all of that but does that mean we’re exclusive or…”
“Brianna, where is this coming from?”
“From my heart.”
“Look, the first thing that you’re gonna have to do if you’re gonna be with me is that you have to trust me.”
“Whether I see other girls or not has nothing to do with how I feel about you and if you’re gonna be with me, you need to accept that. Do you want to be with me?”
Was he kidding me? Whether he sees other girls or not? What was that? I needed to know that I was his one and only! I mean, he just made love to me and now he wants to drop this bomb on me? What was that about?
“So you’re saying that if you want to see other girls that I just have to deal with it?”
“I’m asking you, do you want to be with me?”
Of course I wanted to be with him! What did he think? I didn’t just sleep with anybody. Well, not all the time!
“I’m not going to wait all day for an answer from you, Brianna.” He said.
“Of course I want to be with you, Damon.” I said feeling like I sounded very needy and worse, like he could tell.
“Then don’t ask me anymore questions like that.”
“But don’t I have right to know?”
“Brianna, I know that you’re eighteen and all but you’re probably the youngest girl that I’ve been with.”
“I haven’t dated an eighteen year old since I was fifteen.”
I was nervous because I had lied to Damon about my age. I wasn’t even eighteen yet and eighteen was too young for him. I didn’t want to appear to be a baby or worse, I didn’t want for Damon to find out that I’d lied to him yet. I had planned to tell him the truth about my age once he fell in love with me but I guess that would have to be a secret for a bit longer than I had intended.
“I’m used to dating women who aren’t threatened by other women because they know who they are and they’re not afraid to go after what they want no matter what stands in the way.”
“Well, I am that woman, Damon.” I said nervously feeling like I was loosing him. “I know who I am. I just want you to be honest with me.”
“I am being honest with you Brianna, but you need to trust me.”
“I trust you.”
“Then don’t question me. I hate that.”
“See, I didn’t know that.” I said feeling relieved that he was giving me an instruction and not telling me that this wasn’t going to work for him. I wanted to fly at that moment. “I won’t question you anymore baby. I can be anybody that you need me to be.”
“I just want you to be yourself. Be the same sweet you that I fell in love with.”
“You’re in love with me?”
“Can’t you tell?”
I was so happy that I threw my arms around his neck and I felt so safe. This was the part that I was supposed to tell him my real age but I knew that I couldn’t. It was still too risky.
Damon and I fell into bed again and this time was better than the first time. I knew why too. It was because we both knew that we loved each other. It was the absolute best thing that I’d ever felt in my life and I knew that I would do anything in my power to keep this man next to me.

Lisa’s Rantings Pt.3

This morning on my way to school, I got a call from my cousin Mickey. What did he want?
“What do you want, Mickey?” I snapped into the phone.
“Well, good morning to you too, cuz!” He said.
“Yeah, whatever, Mickey! What skeezer do you want to bring to my house now?”
“Man, are you always so sweet early in the morning?”
“It’s seven fifty-five in the morning, Mickey. I know you didn’t call me to exchange pleasantries! Can you just get on with it?”
“You know, I’m gonna tell aunt Diane to get more bran cereal in the house, that way you can take a nice dump before you leave the house in the morning!”
“Mickey, I don’t know if you know this but there’s a special button on my phone and when I press it, it will end our conversation.”
“Aight, aight! Don’t hang up!” Mickey pleaded with me cracking up. “You know, I love you cuz!”
“Yeah, I love you too, Mickey.” I said smiling in spite of myself. I could never stay mad with him long which pisses me off!
“So what do you want?” I asked.
“I need you to relay a message for me.”
“Relay a message? To who?”
“Okay, don’t get mad though. I need you to relay a message to LeeAnna Williams for me.”
“LeeAnna Williams? The girl from the church?”
“The minister’s daughter?”
“You’re going to hell!” I screamed.
By this time I was on the bus and people were looking at me. I didn’t care; let them look! I was not going to be party to this mess! Mickey wasn’t about to drag me to hell with him!
“Mickey, leave that girl alone! She’s not even your speed.”
“Lisa, you’re wrong. I think I really care about this one.”
“Whatever Mickey! The only person that you care about is Mickey!”
“That’s not true. I care about you.”
“You have to. We’re family. Besides, I can beat you.”
“No, seriously Lisa, I really like this girl. I don’t want to treat her like those tack-heads that I normally deal with. Those girls deserve what they get. But this girl deserves the best and I want to be the one to give it to her.”
“Awww, that is so sweet, Chris.”
“Chris? It’s Mickey!”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I got confused! Especially since your brother said almost the exact same thing about the same girl just the other day! Do you think I’m stupid, Mickey?”
“So you’re saying that two guys can’t feel the exact same way about the same girl? What can I say? She inspires me.”
“Mickey, do you even know what inspires means?”
“Come on, Lisa! Okay, maybe I used Chris’ words but I’ve been liking LeeAnna for a long time. I just never bothered her because I know that her parents are strict. Are you gonna help me or not?”
“Why not?”
“Why would you want to mess with a girl that your brother likes?”
“I already talked to Chris about it and he’s cool with it.”
“You talked to Chris about LeeAnna?”
“Yep. I told him that I really liked her and that we kissed.”
“You’re such a snake, Mickey.”
“Why are you so mad at me?”
“Because you went after that girl knowing how your brother feels about her.”
“You’re mad but Chris ain’t! He told me to go for it if I really liked her!”
“Really, Chris is really cool with this?”
“Ask him yourself.”
“So will you give your cousin the benefit of the doubt?”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Can you tell LeeAnna that I had a really good time with her yesterday and I look forward to spending a lot more time with her.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah, why? Do you think I should say more?”
“No, it’s just not really your style. You usually talk in a much more vulgar tone with your girls.”
“I told you; this girl is different. I really like her.”
“Fine, Mickey. I’ll relay the message. But you’d better not let me find out that you dogged this girl.”
“Why? You’re gonna kick my butt?”
“Nah, I won’t have to. You’ve seen her brother.”
I hung up from Mickey still feeling unsure about whether or not I should tell LeeAnna anything. I know that I told Mickey that I would do it but I can’t help but wonder how his brother Chris really feels about it.
I just had a conversation with Chris about LeeAnna not even a month ago and he seemed to be crazy about the girl. The only thing holding him back from approaching her was her age and knowing that her parents were very strict. I remember his face when he talked about her and he seemed to really be into her. I almost wanted to tell LeeAnna myself that my cousin Chris was into her.
But Mickey did say that Chris was fine with knowing that LeeAnna liked him. I thought that I sensed something between those two when they were in the lunchroom the other day and Mickey was pulling her by the arm. I stopped it but I got the feeling that LeeAnna probably wasn’t in as much protest as I was about the situation.
Today at lunchtime, I made a beeline for LeeAnna’s table. I normally wouldn’t do something like that because I don’t really like her best friend, but today I was on a mission.
LeeAnna looked startled when I slammed down at her table. She and I have never really had a real conversation so she had a look of wonder in her hazel eyes.
“Hi!” I said almost out of breath.
“Hi.” LeeAnna said expectantly.
“Look, I’m going to get right to the point, okay? Do you like my cousin?”
“Your cousin?”
“Mickey. Mickey Butters is my cousin. Do you like him?”
“Ummm…” She looked at me curiously. “Why do you ask?”
“Because he told me that you two had something going and I only sort of believe him. I need to hear it out of your mouth. Do you really like him?”
“Well, I guess. I don’t really know him yet.”
“Look, LeeAnna, I know the deal. I know that you’re not allowed to date and that your parents are strict and all that. I haven’t come to blow you up or anything. I just want to know if what my cousin is telling me is true. I won’t tell anybody else what you tell me.”
I think at that point I already knew the answer but after all the convincing that I’d just done, I felt that I at least deserved for her to tell me something!
She looked at me long and hard as if searching for something. I got the feeling that she wanted to tell me but she was still unsure. She probably hadn’t told anybody that she liked a boy. Probably not even that tall friend of hers. By the way, where was she? Those two were always together…
“Okay, yeah, I do like your cousin.” LeeAnna said pulling me out of my thoughts.
She looked at me as if she then expected an explosion.
“You do? But why?” I asked.
“I think he’s cute.”
“LeeAnna, that’s not enough of a reason to like a boy.” I said.
I realized that I sounded like my mother. The both of us looked at each other and cracked up laughing.
“I’m sorry.” I said as we both quieted down from our laughter. “I don’t mean to be all parental.”
“It’s cool. But can I ask you a question?”
“Do you like your cousin?”
“Of course I do! I love him.”
“So then…”
“Look, I’m gonna tell you the truth and I hope that you can take it.” I paused wondering if I should really share this truth with this girl. What if she was too fragile to handle it? What if she ran out of here crying? I could just smell the naiveté on her. She probably had no clue.
“My cousin is a dog with a capital D!” I said. “I just don’t like the way that he treats girls.”
LeeAnna paused and took a deep breath and looked at me intently.
“Did you come over here to warn me against your cousin or what?”
She wasn’t nasty or even rude, but I wasn’t expecting the strength that I heard in her voice.
“No.” I admitted.
“Then what’s up?”
“Mickey wanted me to tell you that he had a good time hanging out with you the other day and that he’s looking forward to spending a lot more time with you.”
LeeAnna smiled in spite of herself. She blushed and she even glowed at the sound of my pig of a cousin’s name. He was right. She liked him. Too bad for Chris!
“Look, LeeAnna.” I said. “I don’t want to start any trouble. Like I told my cousin, I think you’re a nice girl and you’re certainly too good for him. But if you like him and he likes you, who am I to stand in the way of true love?”
I got up from my seat to walk away.
“Lisa.” LeeAnn called to me before I could get too far.
“Do you want to have lunch with me? I’m by myself today.”
I came back to toward the table looking around. I saw some of my former friends sitting together on the other side of the lunchroom. They looked like they were having a good time. I realized that I didn’t miss them at all. I decided to take LeeAnna up on her offer.
“Wait a minute.” I paused before sitting down. “Where’s that tall girl that you’re always with?”
I knew her name but I didn’t feel like saying it.
“Brianna?” LeeAnna asked wrinkling up her nose. “She didn’t come to school today.”
“Okay.” I proceeded to sit down at the table.
LeeAnna and I talked for the rest of the lunch hour. She’s a really sweet girl and all I could think while I listened to her chatter on was how deep I would put my fist into my cousin’s face if he played this girl like he’d done the rest.
Ova ‘n Out!

Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.4 

School today pissed me off! Well, it wasn’t exactly school that pissed me off but it was my so-called best friend! I couldn’t wait to sit with her alone at lunch today and share the news about the new love in my life but when I walk into the cafeteria, she’s sitting with my enemy! I can’t believe her!
They were sitting at a table laughing and talking like they’ve been friends forever! What in the world? When did this happen? And why didn’t LeeAnna ask me first if I might have a problem with this? She knew that this girl had serious issues with me!
I walked over to their table where LeeAnna and that jerk were talking and laughing together. I dropped my jacket on the table as hard as I could and I gave LeeAnna the hardest stare.
“Hey Brianna.” LeeAnna said looking up at me like I was the one with the problem.
“What is this?” I asked gesturing at that girl!
“I’m sorry?” LeeAnna asked as if she didn’t know what I was talking about.
She knew exactly what I was talking about! She knew that she was just caught betraying me and now she was just trying to save face in front of her new friend.
“Why is she here?” I demanded.
LeeAnna’s new “friend” looked at me and rolled her eyes and then looked back at LeeAnna. LeeAnna smiled and then sighed.
“Brianna, this is Lisa. Lisa, this is Brianna.”
As if I needed an introduction. I knew exactly who this skank was and I even knew her name.
“Don’t try to play me, LeeAnna!”
“Who’s trying to play you Bri?” LeeAnna said sighing again.
“Look, I think I know what this is about.” Lisa stood up saying. “I owe you an apology, Brianna. I know that we’ve said some foul stuff about each other and I just want to say that I’m sorry for my part in it.”
She put out her hand and I guess that she was waiting for me to shake it but I didn’t want to catch fleas from this dog. I didn’t trust her and that fake apology wasn’t about to change anything.
I rolled my eyes and plopped down at the table totally dismissing Lisa.
“I need to talk to you.” I said to LeeAnna.
LeeAnna looked like she was shocked that I wasn’t trying to forgive Lisa so easily. What the heck did she expect after all that this girl had said about me?
“What do you want to talk about Bri?” LeeAnna asked sounding all short.
“Alone!” I said.
“Well I’m having lunch with Lisa.”
“So, I’m your best friend.”
“Look, Lisa is my friend too and I’m not about to treat her like she’s not even sitting here just because you don’t like her.”
“What ever happened to loyalty?”
“What does that have to do with loyalty? I’m not dropping you as my friend. I’m just…”
“Look, LeeAnna, it’s cool.” That skank said interrupting LeeAnna. And she’s rude too! “Talk to your friend. I have to go to the bathroom and the bell is about to ring anyway. I’ll talk to you after school.”
Finally! Lisa walked away and LeeAnna couldn’t wait to glare at me as if I were the enemy.
“What?” I asked. I couldn’t believe that she was mad at me! What did I do?
“Why did you do that?” LeeAnna asked.
“Do what?”
“Why did you have to make her uncomfortable like that?”
“Are you kidding me? After all that chick did to me, you’re gonna ask me that?”
“Bri, she just apologized to you!”
“And that’s just supposed to make everything better? Come on!”
LeeAnna looked at me and rolled her eyes in my face like I was her enemy!
“You need to grow up Brianna.” She said. “You’re acting like a brat.”
Oh no she didn’t!
“So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna take her side just like that, huh?”
“I’m not taking sides, Bri! I just think that what you did was totally unfair.”
“So what, you’re not gonna be my friend anymore now?”
Oh God! Why did I ask that? What if she says no? I don’t want to lose my best friend!
“Of course I’m still your friend but I shouldn’t be!” She said making my heart slow down. “That was ugly Brianna!”
“Oh whatever, LeeAnna.” I said trying to act like I wasn’t just freaked out for a moment. “You know how I am. That’s why you love me.”
“Yeah, I love you Bri. But I don’t always like you.”  LeeAnna said standing and as if on cue, the bell rang to end our lunch period.
“But I didn’t get to tell you my big news.” I whined.
“Call me later.” LeeAnna shrugged. But something in her face told me that she didn’t really care to hear anything else that I had to say.
“Never mind.” I sighed.
I felt bad. This wasn’t even fair! I hadn’t even done anything wrong. How did LeeAnna expect me to act? If I were hanging out with someone who had hurt her she wouldn’t like it either. And that bogus apology that girl called herself giving me was so sickening. I can’t even believe that LeeAnna didn’t see right through it!
I decided to cut out for the rest of the day. It wasn’t like I was going to be able to concentrate on anything anyway! I needed cheering up. I wanted to see my baby. I needed to feel wanted again since I was just rejected by my best friend.
When I got to Damon’s dorm it was about one thirty. I wondered if he would be mad at me for not calling first. But then I thought, why would he be? He and I have been spending so much time together lately and most of that time has been in bed. We have such a good time together. It’s like nothing else that I’ve ever experienced. We’re in love and I know that he’ll be happy to see me.
I went up the stairs to get to his room. I knocked on the door but nobody answered. I knocked again and again but no answer. I was disappointed. Where could he be and why wasn’t he here waiting for me with open arms? I sighed deeply, slammed my back up against the wall and slid down.
I had my head in my knees when I heard some guy come by asking me who I was.
“What do you mean, who am I? Who are you?” I asked.
“I live here and I’ve never seen you around here.” He said.
“Oh. Well, I’m just waiting for my boyfriend.” I said.
I wondered for a second if Damon would get mad at me for calling him my boyfriend. Technically we hadn’t made it official yet.
“Who’s your boyfriend?” The guy asked.
I paused eyeing the guy suspiciously. Who was he anyway and what was with all of the questions?
“Why do you want to know anyway?”
“Because I might be able to help you. If you want, you could wait in my room for him.”
Ha! Yeah right!
“Nah, that’s alright. I can wait right here.” I said standing to my feet.
“Okay, but the dorm manager doesn’t really like anybody that doesn’t live here just waiting around.” The guy said as he turned his key in his room door. “If he sees you, you might get kicked out.”
“Really?” I asked suspiciously still eyeballing him as if the truth would be revealed on his forehead in big red letters if I just stared at him hard enough.
Honestly, the guy looked seriously sincere and like he just wanted to help. I’m usually a good judge of character and nothing about this guy made me think that he was a serial killer looking for his next victim.
“Okay, if you’re sure it’s okay.” I said shrugging my shoulders.
As I started for the guy’s room I heard a familiar voice behind me.
“Brianna?” He said accusingly.
I jumped, a little startled and turned around.
“Damon!” I said sounding just as nervous as I felt.
That can’t be a good thing!
“Oh, dude, is this your girl?” The guy asked with kind of a laugh in his eyes.
“Yeah, that’s my girl!” Damon said standing in one spot balling up his fists.
“Oh, my bad! She didn’t tell me that she had a man.”
I turned back to look at the guy with accusing eyes.
No that jerk didn’t!
The guy put his hands up and walked into his room, shutting the door behind him.
When I turned back to look at Damon, he was looking at me accusingly.
“Damon, he was lying.” I defended. “When he asked me who I was waiting for, I told him that I was waiting for my boyfriend! You believe me, right?”
Damon turned around and opened his door with his key. I thought that he was going to slam the door in my face but he surprised me when he stepped out of the way and held the door open to let me in. I was so glad that he believed me!
I walked into the room, dropped my bag on the floor, hugged him and tried to kiss him but he pushed me off of him.
“What’s wrong?” I asked confused.
“What were you thinking, Brianna?”
“What do you mean, what was I thinking? I told you, that guy lied!”
“Then why were you going into his room? I saw you.”
“Because he told me that I could wait in his room for you because the dorm manager wouldn’t let me wait for you like that. Don’t you believe me?”
“I believe what I see.”
“But you didn’t see everything!” I said finally getting equally as loud.
Then out of nowhere Damon grabbed me by my shoulders and threw me up against the wall. The back of my head smacked the wall.
“If you ever disrespect me like that again you will live to regret it!”
Our eyes were locked and I didn’t like what I was seeing at all. I think that if Damon could’ve killed me at that moment, he would have.
“Okay.” I whispered.
Is he going to hit me? Oh please don’t hit me!
Damon let me go roughly and I felt instantly dizzy from hitting my head on the wall. I tried to pick up my bag but between my entire body trembling and my head spinning I clumsily fell on the floor like a drunken woman.
Damon was still glaring at me from the other side of the room. Tears began to stream down my face. I tried to put the pieces together on what had just happened so quickly.
I came here with the intention of being cheered up by my boyfriend but instead, I was lied on, yelled at, and lastly, and I wished that there was a better way to put this but I couldn’t think of one, physically abused by my boyfriend!
I finally shook my head and got my hand on book-bag. I should have just stayed in school…
I wiped my face and I started to open the door, but Damon put his hand on the door so that I couldn’t open it. I felt the fear rise up from my stomach because I wasn’t sure what he was going to do to me. I looked at him, eyeball to eyeball.
“Don’t you ever disrespect me again!” He said.
I wanted to say, ‘Dude, I could truly say the same for you!’ But I didn’t. I just nodded my head. My head was screaming at me to run, don’t walk, out of this relationship. But my heart told me that I’d only end up regretting leaving him. I was still looking Damon in the eyes as the tears began to well up in my eyes again.
I know that every girl in America would probably call me stupid for not taking the opportunity to knee him in his parts and keep it moving but I don’t care. I love him and I am committed to working this out because, well something in my life has to work out!

Lisa’s Rantings Pt.4

“Lisa, your cousin is on the phone for you.”
What in the world?
 My mother came in my room waking me up early in the morning putting a phone to my ear.
“Who is it?” I asked groggily.
“I’m not your secretary, Lisa!” My mother said walking out of my room.
Neither my mother nor me are morning people.
“Who is this?” I demanded into the phone.
It was only six-thirty. I wasn’t due to wake up for another fifteen minutes and that fifteen minutes is crucial!
“Yo, it’s Mickey. Did I wake you?”
“Yeah fool, you woke me! What’s your problem?”
“Oh, my bad cuz!” Mickey laughed.
“This better be important Mickey!”
“Dag, you and your moms is so evil in the morning! She yelled at me too. I told her that I tried to call your cell but it took me straight to your voicemail.”
“Yeah, because I shut it down at night. What do you want, Mickey?”
“I wanted to know if I could bring somebody to your house after school.”
“Are you kidding me, Mickey? You couldn’t wait till I got to school to ask me this?”
“Nah, I wanted to make sure that you wasn’t going to be using the place with, you know, you and Kevin.”
“Please, I broke up with that buster weeks ago!”
“Oh, word? I didn’t know that cuz!”
“Mickey, what are you talking about? You were there. You broke up the fight.”
“Yeah, I remember that but I didn’t know that you broke up with dude. Most of the time y’all girls stay with guys like that.”
“Well, not me. That was it for me.”
“Wow cuz, I didn’t know that. Mad respect.”
“Well Mickey, you almost sound impressed.”
“Seriously, I am. I’m glad to know my little cuzzo ain’t no bubble head.”
“Please, what you heard?”
“I’m sayin’, there’s so few of y’all out there. I’m really glad to know that you handle yours.”
“Yeah, yeah. Speaking of bubble heads, which one did you plan to bring to my house today?”
“Excuse me? First off, my friend ain’t no bubble head!”
“I’m not saying that she…”
“No, Mickey!” I interrupted. “No!”
“Lisa, wait a minute.”
“No you wait a minute Mickey! I told you before that you’d better handle this one with care! She’s a nice girl and for some stupid reason that I’ll never understand, she really likes you. She thinks that you’re being real with her. I’m not going to stand by while you crush her.”
“I’m not going to crush her, Lisa.”
“So why are you bringing her here?”
“I just want to hang out with her. You know, spend some time.”
“No, Mickey. I can’t. I won’t.”
“Seriously Lisa! Look, you know that her family is strict. She’s not allowed to date. We just want to hang out together in a place where we won’t be seen by anybody so she won’t get in trouble.”
I paused for a minute. Was Mickey really being for real or was he playing me too? I know my cousin and his M.O. when dealing with girls. How can I call myself a good friend if I’m leading LeeAnna into the mouth of a lion’s den?
“Mickey, I really don’t know about this.”
“Trust me, Lisa. I’m not going to jump on her. I know she ain’t like that. Besides, I already told you, I really like this girl. Haven’t you noticed that I haven’t been bringing anybody else to your house?”
“That’s not like me! I’m being for real this time, cuz. I really like this girl.”
I took another long pause. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. But maybe Mickey really did mean it this time. I love my cousin and I really want to believe the best about him. Is it my fault that he makes it so stinkin’ hard?
“Fine. You can bring LeeAnna over but I’ll be here the whole time and there better not be no funny business, Mickey!”
“I promise. Just as long as you stay in your room with the door closed.”
“I’m kidding! I’m kidding!”
I hung up the phone and lay back in my bed sighing deeply. I decided to get up because if I fall back asleep now, I’ll be so mad when I have to wake up in ten minutes!
I picked out the clothes that I would wear today and went into the bathroom to shower. My mom was of course in the bathroom putting on her make-up.
“I don’t understand why you have to put your make-up on in here when you have a huge mirror in your bedroom.” I said as I started to undress myself.
My mom stopped applying her mascara and turned her full body around and looked at me.
Uh Oh!
“I use the bathroom in here because I can. I kick out rent every month and I pay all of the other bills in here. So if you’re looking for privacy, take fifty cents off my dresser, buy yourself a newspaper and check the classifieds for apartments for rent.”
Think I asked for that one…
“Yes ma’am.” I mumbled with my head down.
My mom rolled her eyes and finished applying her makeup as I got in the shower. By the time I came out, my mom was finished in the bathroom. I felt kind of bad for snapping at my mother. She worked very hard to give me all of the things that I needed and wanted. I guess I should appreciate her more.
After I dried myself off, I wrapped my towel around myself and went into her room. She had her jacket on and she was putting what she needed in her purse. I came up behind her and hugged her.
“I’m sorry mommy.” I said. “I love you.”
I could feel her head fall back and she sighed.
“Get off me girl!” She fussed but I could here the smile in her voice.
“Not until you tell me that you love me back!”
“Lisa, I’m not playing with you!”
“Tell me! Tell me!”
“I gotta get out of here for work.”
“But if you just tell me you love me I can let you go.”
“Don’t make me drop kick you little girl!”
I got off but we were both smiling when I did. My mother rolled her eyes at me faking annoyance but I could tell that she appreciated my apology. My mom walked to the door and then she turned to me.
“I need you to cook tonight because I’ll be a little bit late.” She said.
“And I love you too you little nut job!” She said winking at me.
“Mommy!” I said squealing and running towards the door.
She laughed and ran out slamming the door before I could reach her. She’s so crazy!
Ova n’ Out! 


                                                       Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.5                                                                                                                         

       I’m supposed to meet with my boo today. He is taking me someplace special and I can’t wait! He gave me money to buy something nice. He always gives me money but he normally tells me to buy anything I want  but today he specifically told me to buy myself something nice. I really don’t want to disappoint him. It took me several hours in the mall trying to find the perfect outfit and it wasn’t cheap either! I used all of his money and had to add a little bit of mine.
Damon and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months now and he hasn’t even met any of my family members or my friends yet. I really don’t want him to. I want to keep him all to myself for now. We have a good thing going and I don’t want my family to ruin it for me with their idiotic ways.
He’s coming to pick me up at six-thirty and it is now a little after four. I can’t believe it’s so late! I spent the better part of the morning and afternoon trying to pick out my outfit. Now I have just enough time to roller set my hair. I normally wear my natural curls but since tonight was going to be special, I wanted to do something special with my hair too.
Who knows? Maybe Damon was planning to propose to me tonight. Some might say it’s way too soon for me to be thinking about that sort of thing but they just don’t understand the connection that Damon and I have. It is so deep and so real. I feel like he’s the one that I’ve dreamed about all of my life. The one that will take me away from all of the madness that is my life and take me to a beautiful and wonderful place.
“Brianna, can I borrow your jeans?” My annoying sister Brenda came in the room asking me while I was putting rollers in my hair.
“My jeans?” I asked sucking my teeth and turning to look at her. “Brenda, you can’t fit my clothes!”
By the time I was twelve I was curve city but at twelve, Brenda is still built like a little boy. If I didn’t hate my sister so much I’d feel sorry for her. There was nothing attractive about her. She looks like a horse in her face, she has very little hair and she has no shape to even distinguish herself as a girl. And if that’s not enough, all of that was wrapped up in a jacked up attitude. Yeah, she’ll spend her days with no husband, no children and seven cats, I’m sure!
“Pul-LEEZE Brianna!” Brenda pleaded which was rare for her. “I promise that I won’t mess them up.”
“Why do you want to wear my clothes? You have way more clothes than me.” I said.
“Yeah, but your clothes are nicer than mine.”
I stopped curling my hair and turned to face Brenda for the first time since she started talking.
“What’s this about, Brenda?” I asked sighing.
 “I just want to wear your jeans.”
“Brenda, you’re like a foot shorter than I am and you have no curves. You’ll be swimming in my jeans.”
“No I won’t! I promise I won’t. Please, please, please?!!”
“Okay, Brenda.” I said desperate to get her off my back so that I could finish my hair. “Go ahead and wear the jeans but if you get anything on them, you will die a slow and painful death.”
“Thank you Brianna!” Brenda said sounding so excited.
I looked at her with one eyebrow raised. I wasn’t used to this Brenda. She seemed almost nice. I didn’t trust it. I didn’t trust her.
I continued to do my hair. I was only halfway through by four thirty and I still had to sit under the dryer and be ready by six thirty. I was seriously regretting starting this roller set. Brenda came back into the room with my jeans on and I noticed that she had a bump in the back of her that I’m sure wasn’t there when she’d asked for the jeans.
“Uh, Brenda, what’s that?” I asked turning around to get a good look at her. I could see that she had rolled up the jeans at the bottom but the rest of the jeans fit her okay. They were a little loose but she certainly filled them out better than I thought she would. What in the world was that about?
“What’s what?” Brenda asked nervously.
“That, in the back of my jeans?” I asked. “Did you borrow my booty too?”
“You’re not the only one in this family with a booty, Brianna!” Brenda said.
“I’m the only one of the two of us!”
“Oh, be quiet Bri!”
“No! I will not be quiet until you tell me about that bump in my jeans because I know that it’s not yours!”
Brenda was clearly embarrassed but was trying to mask it with anger.
Brenda huffed and walked out of the room. I started to go after her but noting the time, I just continued to quickly roll my hair.
I finally came out from under the dryer by about ten minutes to six. It might have been a bit early for me to come out but I really couldn’t afford another minute under the dryer. I had already taken a shower and laid out my clothes so all that I had to do was slip into my clothes but I still needed to put on my make-up.
I decided to put on my make-up in the bathroom because I wanted to take special care to make sure that it was done right. When I walked in the bathroom I saw my jeans on the floor where Brenda must’ve stepped out of them. I really wanted to yell but I really couldn’t spare the time. I just picked up my seventy-five dollar jeans from the floor. They felt weird like there was something in them. I opened them up and inside of my jeans was a pair of padded panties. I just shrugged my shoulders. I guess I know where Brenda’s booty came from…
Miraculously I was ready when Damon pulled up in front of my building to pick me up. As I walked to the car, he was looking at me like he was so impressed. It didn’t happen often with him so I loved it when I could impress him!
I stepped into the car and I took in the smell of his cologne. He smelled so good! He kissed me on the back of my neck and whispered in my ear.
“You look beautiful!” He said.
I swear, this evening could end right now and I would be on cloud nine for the rest of the week!
Damon took me to a restaurant that was so fancy; I almost didn’t want to step in. I could tell as soon as I walked in that I didn’t fit into this type of place. Some of the looks that we got when we walked in told me that I was right. I grabbed Damon’s arm.
“C…can you really afford this place?” I whispered nervously.
“Relax.” He said. “We’re guests. My friends have the check.”
His friends???
As we were escorted to our table by a flamboyantly gay man in a tux, I felt disappointed that we were not going to be alone. I thought that this night was going to be special. Turns out Damon only wanted me to look nice so that he could impress his friends!
Damon’s friends were an older couple; I mean, they were even older than Damon! The woman actually looked to be about thirty but the man was easily older than my mom. I wondered why Damon wanted to hang out with these fogies. I mean, I think it’s cool to hang around older people but this was pushing it a bit much for me.
Maybe it was because they had money. These people were obviously loaded. The old dude was ordering expensive bottles of champagne all night and the woman was wearing a modest amount of jewelry but I could tell that it probably cost a fortune.
The conversation went over my head and the food was weird so nobody was happier than me when the waiter brought the check. Damon whispered to me that the couple would be driving us home. I didn’t care. I would just be glad for this evening to end!
The driver of the man’s Maybach did not go in the direction of my house or Damon’s dorm. My stomach sank with the realization that the evening was not actually over yet. However nothing could prepare me for the turn that the evening would take in the coming moments.

Lisa’s Rantings Pt.5

“Lisa!” I heard my mother shout from her room early Saturday.
Honestly, sometimes this woman really gets to me with her yelling! It’s totally unnecessary. I work hard in school all week long and I deserve to sleep in late on Saturdays. Is that too much to ask?
“Lisa!” My mom said barging into my room. “Did you hear me calling you?”
“Yes.” I grunted into my pillow not wanting to even turn my face to look at her.
“Girl, you’d better turn around and look at me while I’m talking to you!”
I reluctantly turned around to face her. She was standing at the foot of my bed holding a pair of silk underwear on the tip of her finger.
“I don’t know why you feel the need to go into my room when I’m not at home when you have your own room. But the least you can do is take your stuff out when you leave!” she barked.
“Huh?” I looked at her questioning. “Ma, I haven’t even been in your room.”
“Well then whose drawers are these because they sure ain’t mine!” She said throwing the panties on my bed and storming out of the room.
First of all, I do not wear silk underwear. I don’t like the way they feel. She should know that. I took a closer look at the underwear on the foot of my bed. They were crusty. Definitely not mine!
Yesterday I went shopping in New York after school. Mickey asked me if he could come use the apartment. I assumed he was bringing LeeAnna by so I reluctantly told him yes even though I wouldn’t be there to monitor him. By the time I came home, he was already gone. I seriously doubt that these panties are LeeAnna’s but before I wring Mickey’s neck, I’m going to find out just in case.
I picked up my phone and dialed.
“Hey LeeAnna.” I said. “It’s Lisa.”
“Hi Lisa.” She said.
“Did I wake you?” I asked.
“Uhh…No.” She giggled. “It’s like noon.”
“So what’s your point?”
“Please, my mom would never let me get away with sleeping so late!”
“Oh.” I said rubbing my eyes. “Anyway…Uhhh what did you do after school yesterday afternoon?”
“Because I didn’t see you. I…uhhh…was going to ask you to go shopping with me in New York.”
“Oh. I had a doctor’s appointment so I had to leave early.”
“Oh.” I said but it sounded like she was covering. Maybe they were her panties. “Did you see my cousin yesterday?”
“I haven’t seen Mickey since Thursday. Why?”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. Why? Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. I was just looking for him, that’s all.”
“Okay. Hey, are you still coming to my house later?”
“Yeah. I’ll be there with my p.j.’s.”
“Which reminds me. I invited Brianna.”
“She’s coming? Does she know I’ll be there?”
“No. I meant to call her yesterday and tell her?”
“Uh oh!”
“She’ll be fine. I just need to tell her before she gets here and accuses me of ambushing her.
“Hey, it’s cool. If you’d rather that I didn’t come, we can do it another time.”
“No, really!” LeeAnna said. “She’ll be okay. I’m sure of it.”
“Okay fine.” I said quickly because I really wanted to make sure that LeeAnna wasn’t holding out on me regarding whether or not she saw Mickey yesterday. “Hey, are you sure you didn’t see Mickey yesterday?”
“Yeah, I told you!” LeeAnna said. “I haven’t seen your cousin since Thursday. Are you sure he’s okay? Is he missing or something? You’re starting to scare me.”
“No, no!” I said feeling more at ease. “I was just…Never mind. Everything is okay and Mickey is fine. At least for now.”
“Okay.” LeeAnna said calming down. “Hey, I have chores to do. I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
I hung up from LeeAnna and sighed deeply. I couldn’t believe Mickey! He knew that our bedrooms were off limits to him and his hoochies. If I were here he never would’ve gone into my mother’s room. It’s bad enough that he cheated on my friend in my house then he goes and betrays my mother’s bedroom!
I should’ve stopped letting him use my house to bring those girls a long time ago but he begged and pleaded and I gave in! And how does that skeez repay me? He brings a nasty skank into my mother’s bed! What a creep!
By the time I got to LeeAnna’s house for the sleepover, her friend Brianna was already there. Turns out LeeAnna never told Brianna that I would be coming. Just as I figured, my being there did not go over well with Brianna. She ended up coming around though. She’s actually not such a bad girl. I mean I can’t really blame her for not liking me at first. I have said some foul stuff about her.
Later on in the evening, after LeeAnna’s parents left, we got into some serious girl talk. LeeAnna was gushing about my stupid cousin. He’s got her convinced that she should lose her virginity to him. He was not about to turn my friend into one of his bubble heads! No way!
I tried to tell LeeAnna that my cousin still brings other girls to my house but she didn’t believe me. This girl was totally blinded by Mickey. There was only one thing left for me to do. When LeeAnnna left the room, I told Brianna about the panties that Mickey’s hoochie left in my mother’s room.
“So now you plan to take her to your house while Mickey is there with another girl?” Brianna asked.
“It’s the only way I’ll be able to prove to her that he’s a no good dog!”
“But that’s like huge!” Brianna said shaking her head. “She may never speak to you again. And what about your cousin? How do you think he’ll react?”
“Please! I don’t care what Mickey does! I’m more concerned with LeeAnna. She’s totally turning into a bubble-head and my cousin is to blame.”
“Yeah but…”
“But what? Do you really want to see our friend crushed because of my cousin?”
“Of course not but I’m just not sure that this is the best way to go about exposing him.”
“Best way or not; it’s the only way.” I told Brianna just as LeeAnna was coming back down the stairs.
Ova n Out! 

 Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.6

“Brianna, what are you doing in there?” My brother Kenny yelled banging on the door.

I did not feel like being bothered. It was bad enough that I’d been throwing up all morning not to mention I haven’t talked to my boo in days. I did not need to deal with Kenny too! Normally, Kenny and I are cool. Well, maybe “cool” is too strong a word for us. I’m not “cool” with anybody in my immediate family. They’re all a bunch of jerks. But Kenny normally bothers me the least. He’s got his own thing going on and pretty much stays out of my way.

“I’ll be out in a minute Kenny.” I said. I didn’t even have the strength to argue with him. I felt so weak. It was as if I’d vomited up my strength!

I grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth for the third time this morning. When I opened the door of the bathroom, Kenny pushed past me and ran into the bathroom complaining about the smell as he slammed the door on my back. JERK!

Brenda was getting dressed when I walked into my room. I could smell my perfume and it made me feel like I could puke again.

“If you’re going to use my perfume, Brenda, at least keep it to a minimum of three squirts!” I said plopping back down on my bed.

“I didn’t even use your stinkin’ perfume!” She said sucking her teeth.

I really didn’t feel like arguing with her but I really hate it when a person lies to my face! It was obvious that she’d used my perfume. The room smelled like she’d painted the walls with it!

“Whatever Brenda!” I managed weakly.

“Why are you laying down? Don’t you have to go to school?” Brenda pried.

“Don’t worry about what I’m doing! Just do you!” I responded.

Brenda peered at me from the mirror. I turned my back to her. If I had to look at her face too long, I might puke again.

 Once Brenda and Kenny left for school, I was happy to have the house to myself. My mother never came home last night and my guess was that she was with that old guy that she’s been messing with. She spends a lot of nights with him. She’s such a skank!

I made myself some tea and I laid down on the sofa turning on the television. The news said that it would be unseasonably mild today. I guess I picked a fine day to feel crappy! 

I could hear my cell phone ringing from in my room. I could’ve kicked myself for not bringing it in here with me. I wanted so badly to ignore it but then I thought that it might be Damon so I got myself up to get it. It had stopped ringing by the time I got to it. It was Damon. I guess he’d let me suffer enough. I called him back.

“Hello?” He said.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I said softly.

“Yeah, so you made your choice yet or what?”

“I guess I have no choice, right?”

“Look, I said you can do what you want to do but if you’re looking for me to be here for you, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Yeah, I know.” I said as I wiped a tear from my cheek.

“Alright. So when are you going to do it?”

“Tomorrow I guess.”

“Cool. Come to my room today and get the money.”


“Yeah, I gotta go. I’ll hit you tomorrow after it’s done.”

“Ummm yeah but…”

He’d already hung up. I didn’t understand. It was like he was mad at me for getting pregnant. How was it my fault? He’ll talk to me after it’s done?! What’s that about? I’m doing what he wants and I still get this treatment? I don’t understand it!

I went back in the living room and plopped myself back down on the couch. I felt numb. I’ve been crying since I found out for sure that I was pregnant. Damon is right. Why should I keep this baby? There was no telling who the daddy was. But even that is Damon’s fault! The fact that he’s accepting no responsibility for all of this aggravates me. But what aggravates me the most is the fact that I still want to be with him. So much so that I’ve agreed to kill my own baby just so he’ll stay with me.

When did I get so desperate???

 I fell asleep on the sofa and I didn’t wake up until two o’clock. That made sense since I was up most of the night barfing and crying! I still felt crappy but I really wanted to get out of the house before Brenda and Kenny came home.

I showered and dressed and made my way over to Damon’s dorm. It was absolutely gorgeous out. It was hard to believe that we were only a couple of weeks till Christmas. The fact that I felt crappy didn’t stop me from getting attention from the guys. I just could not understand it. Obviously I can get any guy that I wanted; yet I wanted the one guy that didn’t seem to want me.

In the beginning he smothered me with attention. Well, maybe smothered is too strong a word. But he seemed to be really into me. I never should’ve told him about the baby! I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and taken care of it! It’s not like I get to keep it anyway. I knew from the beginning that getting pregnant was a huge mistake. I started to feel sick again.

I got to Damon’s dorm and he wasn’t even there. He left the money in an envelope with his roommate without so much as an excuse. I couldn’t stand his roommate either. He always acted like he wanted to get with me when Damon wasn’t around. Then he’d act like he didn’t even see me when I was with Damon. He gave me the creeps. Good thing he had a girl in the room with him when I came so he didn’t bother me.

I left the dorm in tears. Why was Damon treating me this way?

Brianna, you know exactly why he’s treating you this way! Don’t act all naïve now!


It’s six o’clock in the morning and I haven’t slept all night. I am so nervous about going to the clinic today, I can’t even close my eyes. After I left the dorm yesterday I didn’t feel like going home so I went to Kendra’s Christmas party. All of my girls were there and I figured that it would help me get my mind off of what was happening. I thought that I could hang out with my girls and have a good time and forget all of my troubles.

It didn’t work out that way. I was a complete jerk; especially to my bestie, LeeAnna. I don’t even know why. I just wanted her to pick up on my attitude and ask me what was wrong but she didn’t. She just reacted and got all offended. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and that I was just hurting but I didn’t. I just acted like even more of a jerk. What is truly up with me???

I actually wanted to ask her to come with me to the clinic today but after the way I treated her, I felt to guilty to ask so I just went home. I felt so stupid. I really hadn’t meant for things to go down like that!

Nevertheless, I called her this morning and she agreed to come with me to the clinic. I’m glad for that at least but I still can’t stop shaking. A part of me just wants to get it over with and another part of me feels like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life!

When LeeAnna got to me, she didn’t come alone. She came with her mom. I wanted to pass out. How could she bring her mother? I felt guilty just looking at that woman and that’s been since the first day I met her. I mean, she’s always nice to me but I always feel like she can see right through me. I can’t even explain it.

LeeAnna’s mother was nice enough to let LeeAnna come with me, although she has no idea where we’re going. At least I don’t think she does…

We got to the clinic and neither of us said anything. To my surprise, LeeAnna was helpful. She didn’t even say anything to make me feel bad although I had that covered all by myself.

I was called to the back which I had to go to all by myself. I got inside and they told me to undress and I don’t really know what happened but I got halfway through getting undressed when I realized that I just couldn’t go through with it. I needed to get out of there and I needed to get out fast!

LeeAnna took me home. I was both relieved and very scared. I knew that keeping this baby meant losing my man but I was willing to risk it. I just knew that I would never be able to live with myself if I went through with destroying a life. I mean, I know people who have done it and I’ve never really disagreed with them. I always thought that if I did get pregnant before I was ready that I would just go and get it taken care of too. I never thought that I would feel so crappy about it. I never really thought that it would matter so much to me. But it really does. I realize that I’m not as scared of losing Damon as I am of killing my own baby and I think that’s a good thing.

He’s not going to like my decision and he’ll probably leave me but he’s not the first and he definitely won’t be the last! At least now I’ll never be alone again. I’ll always have this baby to love me.


 Brianna’s Blurbs Pt.7

“Can I get you anything before I leave Bri?” My mother asked me as I lie in a hospital bed staring out a window as the sun made it’s way back down.

The sky was a beautiful burnt orange color. I wished that time could stand still  and I could enjoy this tiny moment. Is that too much to ask? Why can’t I ever have more than a moment’s worth of happiness? It was at times like this that I wondered if there was actually a God up there if He actually cared about me. I seriously doubted it!

I wanted to turn around and scream at her to leave already! Why was she even still here? We both knew that she didn’t even like me much less love me! I just ignored her. I faced the window and didn’t even turn around to look at her hoping that she would just go away.

My best friend left about an hour ago. I wasn’t any nicer to her although she really didn’t deserve my silent treatment. She was actually worried about me. I know that she has reason to be but admitting that Damon is the one responsible for my miscarriage would mean that I’d definitely lose him forever and I don’t think that I can handle that right now. I don’t want to handle that right now.

“The doctor said that you can come home tomorrow so I’ll be back to pick you up in the morning.” My mother said.


I didn’t care. I wasn’t sure what her angle was and why she was acting all nice. I was totally sick of her even being here. She gently put her hand on my shoulder and then I heard her sigh deeply and walk out. 

Everybody looked at me and assumed that I had it all together but I wished that somebody could see past the front that I put up and know how overwhelmed I felt sometimes. I wished that one person could pick up on how lonely I was most times.

My baby was supposed to change all of that. My baby was supposed to ensure that I would never be alone again. My baby would give me some purpose. I would work hard to make sure that I provided everything that me and my baby would need. My baby would be the inspiration that I needed to keep me going when I wanted to quit. But now my baby was gone so there went my purpose. There went my hope. What did I have now? I watched, as the sky turned from burnt orange to darker and darker blue in what seemed like mere seconds. Suddenly I felt so lost and alone and I started to weep. Why was my life so hopeless? 

When LeeAnna came to see me, she came with her mother. At first I didn’t know that her mother had come with her but I should’ve known. It’s rare that LeeAnna goes anywhere without supervision. LeeAnna came into my room by herself and talked to me. I was rude to her of course but I did talk to her at least a little bit more than I spoke to my mother. After she left, her mom peeked her head into my room. I was facing the window with my back to the door when she came in but when she called my name, I instinctively looked up. I was surprised to hear her voice.

“Oh, hi.” I said nervously avoiding eye contact with her. Again, I was scared of what she would see when she looked at me. Would she know what I’d been doing for the past two months? I felt like she would.

“Miss Briana.” She said so sweetly and so warmly I could feel the tears well up in my eyes but I didn’t want to release them in front of her.

She came closer to me and she rubbed my face and my hair with her hand shaking her head and looking at me like she understood exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t fight the tears that threatened to fall any longer.

“It’s okay sweetheart.” She encouraged softly as she bent down and put her cheek to mine. “You go ahead and let those tears fall.”

I cried and cried and cried until it felt like I was going to puke.

“I love you sweetie.” She’d said. “And Jesus loves you too!”

She was looking directly into my eyes and I was so captivated by her that I couldn’t turn away from her.

“If you need anything, please don’t be afraid to ask me. Do you hear me?” She’d ask.

All I could do was nod my head. I felt exhausted.

As quickly as LeeAnna’s mother had tipped into my room, she’d tipped right back out. I wished that she could’ve stayed longer. She didn’t say much but she’d said so much. Her words haunted me even now.

I closed my eyes tight. I thought to myself, why couldn’t she have been my mother? While I was asking questions, I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to ask why I had the mother that I had. I really wasn’t asking anyone in particular but it occurred to me that maybe I should ask God. He’s supposed to be the one in charge, right?

I don’t really know if I actually believe in God but if He is real, He’s got some serious explaining to do!



True to her word, my mother called me early in the morning to tell me that she was on her way to pick me up. I gave her a very dry ‘okay’ and started getting myself ready to leave. I sat on the foot of the hospital bed with my head down. How did I get here? How did I let myself get here?

From the time I was old enough to realize that I was alone in this world, I decided that I would do whatever I had to do to find somebody that would love me unconditionally. I would become whoever I had to become. I really thought that Damon was the one. I thought that he would be my knight and shining armor. Even after he made me a prostitute, I still somehow believed that he would love me forever. How could I be so stupid?

And now, even after he’s taken my hope away from me, I still keep looking at my cell phone to see if I’ve gotten a call from him. He owes me at least that, doesn’t he? Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if I deserve anything good. Maybe my mother was right. Maybe I really do have the devil’s blood in me. But is that my fault? I mean it’s not like I had a choice.

A nurse came in interrupting my thoughts. She was a chubby older lady. She seemed really nice and friendly.

“I see you’re all already to go.” She said.

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“You know that we can’t discharge you without your parent’s consent, right?”

“Yes. My mother is coming to sign me out.”

“Okay.” She said and then putting her hand on her hip and furrowing her eyes she looked down at me. “And how are you doing?”


“Don’t you try to fool me, young lady!” She said. “You’ve just lost a baby.”


“You know, I have a niece look just like you and she’s pregnant with baby number two!” She said. “She’s a couple of years older than you but she’s still way too young to have one baby, much less two!”

I just looked at the lady not sure what she was about to say to me.

“Honey, everything happens for a reason. You’re young and you’ll have plenty of babies one day. Just be glad that you’re still alive.”

She said the words as if I actually had something to live for. Little did she know, I really didn’t…





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